PAROLE HEARING REJECTION NOTICE
Inmate: Future Felon
Reason for Rejection: Excessive bad decisions, chronic rule-breaking, and an unapologetic addiction to chaos.
Hearing Outcome: Denied. Again. And again. Because honestly, the world just isn’t ready for your kind of trouble to be unleashed legally.
Your history of walking the line (and then gleefully jumping off cliffs) proves you’re not fit to rejoin society—at least not without heavy supervision, a warning label, and maybe a tazer. Reports indicate frequent offenses including: heart theft, impulse crimes, and zero intention to ever behave. Parole board unanimously agrees you’re better locked up in our minds where you can’t ruin anyone else’s life... unless you want to break their hearts instead.
Keep rocking this sweatshirt and wear it like a badge of honor—because being a “Future Felon” means you’re a lifelong danger to normalcy and proud of it.
Disclaimer:
By purchasing or using any product from Super Silly Company, you acknowledge that we are purveyors of absurd novelties, not your legal counsel, financial advisor, or that one cousin who claims to "know a guy." Super Silly Company, its employees, and the office gremlin who keeps stealing our pens shall not be held liable for any consequences arising from your use of our products, including but not limited to: sparking government surveillance, igniting barstool arguments, or causing your grandma to choke on her dentures. Our goods are designed for shits and giggles, not courtroom dramas, so don’t come knocking if your purchase lands you in hot water or a viral shitstorm. Proceed at your own risk, you delightfully unhinged customer.
