His name is Leonard. He wasn’t grown—he manifested. Born in the backseat of a '94 Buick during a Monster energy-fueled panic attack, Leonard is not here for a good time or a long time—he's here because he refuses to die. This mustache is crusted in cheap beer foam, wing sauce, and faint traces of someone else’s regret. Once got stuck in a car door. Once made out with someone’s stepdad and their ex on the same night. Leonard is technically banned from Six Flags and has an outstanding warrant in three counties for “aggravated smoldering.” He whispers unsolicited opinions during sex. You don’t wear Leonard—Leonard attaches to you like a parasite and whispers, “Let’s make it worse.” You’ll try to shave him. You’ll fail. The razor breaks. Your mirror cracks. You black out and wake up in a Bass Pro Shops with a lower back tattoo that just says “Grit.”
Disclaimer:
By purchasing or using any product from Super Silly Company, you acknowledge that we are purveyors of absurd novelties, not your legal counsel, financial advisor, or that one cousin who claims to "know a guy." Super Silly Company, its employees, and the office gremlin who keeps stealing our pens shall not be held liable for any consequences arising from your use of our products, including but not limited to: sparking government surveillance, igniting barstool arguments, or causing your grandma to choke on her dentures. Our goods are designed for shits and giggles, not courtroom dramas, so don’t come knocking if your purchase lands you in hot water or a viral shitstorm. Proceed at your own risk, you delightfully unhinged customer.
