Not a sentence—it’s a lifestyle. I don’t date, I plead guilty. My idea of foreplay is reading someone their rights while handcuffed to the bed. I’ve got court tomorrow and I’m still out here rawdogging reality. My parole officer sends me “???” texts. I wear ankle monitors like anklets. I once said “I love you” during a police chase and meant it. I’ve got exes who send me commissary money just in case. I flirt like a Miranda warning and ghost like a mistrial. You think this shirt is ironic? Nah. It’s evidence. My body count is both sexual and mysterious. I’ve been banned from Uber, jury duty, and three separate Golden Corrals. “10 YEARS TO LIFE” isn’t just time—it’s the vibe I give off when I order a vodka cranberry at 11am and make eye contact with the bailiff.
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By purchasing or using any product from Super Silly Company, you acknowledge that we are purveyors of absurd novelties, not your legal counsel, financial advisor, or that one cousin who claims to "know a guy." Super Silly Company, its employees, and the office gremlin who keeps stealing our pens shall not be held liable for any consequences arising from your use of our products, including but not limited to: sparking government surveillance, igniting barstool arguments, or causing your grandma to choke on her dentures. Our goods are designed for shits and giggles, not courtroom dramas, so don’t come knocking if your purchase lands you in hot water or a viral shitstorm. Proceed at your own risk, you delightfully unhinged customer.
